Sunday, 9 February 2014

Fable: An RPG for Stupid People

I just found this in my drafts. I had intended to write a rant about Fable, but much like the game itself, I forgot about this "review" and left it unfinished. Having now stumbled back across it, I was thinking about finishing it especially as Fable Anniversary is upon us- but the thought of doing that pains me, I'd rather stick pins in my eyes. So please enjoy/endure my un-edited, unfinished, half-arsed review of a game that really isn't worth your's a bit ranty but if you don't like it, I don't know...belch at me or something? That's what Fable would have you do...


A short story, typically with animals as characters, conveying a moral.
Fabricate or invent (an incident, person, or story).
story - legend - tale - myth - fiction

What it really means; 

A terrible video game made for idiots.

My description might strike you as extreme but I assure you, it's definitely not the hyperbolic ramblings of a crazed gamer. Well, it is a bit of an angry rant, I'll admit that much, but I have my reasons so please, before you discount this post as pointless incessant rambling, let me explain...

I was never a fan of the Fable games, I was aware they existed but I was enjoying other RPGs like The Elder Scrolls series. So, the Fable franchise passed me by and in hindsight I wish I had let it continue passing me by but I was seduced by the prospect of a free game!

Yes, Microsoft got to me when they started offering certain games for free for their Xbox Live gold members. In my naivety, I figured 'How bad could it be?' and I thought to myself 'It is free, after all...'. Thanks life of consumerism/student mentality!

I was tricked! Looking back on my decision, I feel stupid. I was foolish to let the prospect of something being free suck me in. That should have been my first clue, THEY WERE GIVING IT AWAY FOR FREE.

My own foolishness aside, I booted up my Xbox, downloaded the game (Fable III) and proceeded to play. At first, I was mildly entertained but then it hit me square in the face and my short lived bubble was burst by the atrocious and quite frankly awful voice acting. The game has all of these amazing voice artists and actors yet they were just appalling.

How is it that Michael Fassbender with performances like Shame under his belt sounds like an amateur actor in a local theatre production? He's Magneto for crying out loud! 

It wasn't just the big names like Fassbender that let it down. It felt like every extra was purposely trying to put on their worst cockney "cor blimey guv'nor" accent. Made worse by shitty dialogue and often incredibly sexist writing (I don't know if it's the same for the male character option but I imagine it's no better). One example of this happened early on in the game, my character was walking through an impoverished town on her way to some crappy, woefully easy dungeon when one of the NPCs said something like "I wouldn't say no to that if it was in my bed" - I'm paraphrasing here, I couldn't bear the thought of going back to research it. Of course, upon hearing this, I stopped in my tracks, instantly furious and I wanted to destroy this character but of course the worst I could do was...burp in his face?! What the hell?!

This is another problem with the game - namely, the limited moral choices and lack of free will. If I'm playing a large open world game, I expect to have more dialogue options than good (talk) and bad (burp). I appreciate the burping is slightly funny but it's the equivalent of a fart joke and grows old very quickly. 

Good or bad is so BORING. Even if there was an added neutral option that'd be preferable (though even those three would still irk me I'm sure). It's not even like I could wander around the landscapes. There was a sparkly gold trail telling me where to go AT ALL TIMES. 

Oh, and another thing, holding down buttons to do things is far from INTUITIVE! Some of the moments where you hold down a button to prolong an action, I totally get and I can let slide. The longer you hold down the button, the more powerful your attack is - great, fighting games have been doing this for years. But to hold down a button to open a chest or open a frickin' door or just talk to somebody is FUCKING STUPID.

What's more, I figured holding down the button to pet my dog was a lovely thing to do, because who wouldn't want to hold down the button to it's maximum to pet their dog? I like dogs. But what happened when I held down the button to pet my dog was absolutely disgusting. My character started making out with her dog and making crude sexual noises! I kid you not. I WISH I was joking. I have never been so freaked out by a game in my whole life - it made faeces on the walls in Duke Nukem look like a bouquet of flowers. 

If it was meant to be funny I might have let it go, but it just wasn't. Who were they trying to make laugh? What kind of warped, unfunny, creep writes that into a game? Oh, this is just some weird wet dream of Peter Molyneux's, right?

As for the name, Fable - my God, did they force it down our throats - yes, we know a Fable is a legendary story or myth often focusing on a person or a "hero" but THE NEXT CHARACTER TO MENTION THE FACT THAT YOUR FATHER WAS A HERO AND ONLY A TRUE HERO LIKE YOU CAN SAVE ALBION WILL FEEL MY WRATH...IN THE FORM OF BURPS...because you know,  that's all this sodding game will let me do!


Anyway, the long and short of this post is...DO NOT BUY THIS GAME. DO NOT PLAY THIS GAME. STAY AWAY!

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