Tuesday, 22 September 2015

The 7 Most Annoying Video Game Characters

Originally written for and published on Forces Of Geek 11th September 2015.

I'm not a violent person. I do get mildly irritated by the general public at times, but don't we all? However, as someone who has gamed all her life, nothing is comparable to an annoying video game character because you have paid for that experience and often have to spend up to 40 hours listening to or playing as them when all you want to do is punch them in their stupid face.

Here's the 7 most annoying characters I've come across (in no particularly order):

Slippy Toad (Star Fox 64)

Look at his stupid, gormless, froggy face...yeah great job getting hit again Slippy...great job.
Animals flying awesome fighter jets in space. That last sentence is amazing. However, there is one character in this game who, upon opening their mouth makes my skin crawl. Slippy is beyond annoying, utilising a high-pitched tone (I thought frog croaks were low?!) to blurt out useless advice during combat.

Slippy is distracting and constantly gets into trouble leaving the rest of the crew to come to his rescue ALL the God damn time. Granted, I think I might possess a greater hatred for Slippy than most. You see, growing up I absolutely loved the 80s cartoon Bucky O'Hare, I was obsessed and to this day still own the comics. In Bucky O'Hare, which is not unlike Star Fox, the Toads are the bad guys so maybe deep down Slippy isn't that bad, I mean he has excellent mechanical expertise, maybe I just have an inherent prejudice towards toads?!

Or...maybe Slippy is an annoying little turd and I am completely justified in my loathing? Yeah, I'm going to go with that.



Navi (Legend Of Zelda: Ocarina Of Time)
Image: Safely Endangered (More awesome stuff on their site! They even have a Patreon page you can donate to)
What could possibly ruin my all time favourite game? Oh, I don't know, maybe a tiny blue fairy who refuses to stop nagging me with incessant cries of "Hey...Hey...Listen...Hey...Hey...Watch Out....HEY!".

Navi is the Hyrule equivalent of a small child on a long car journey, "No, we are not there yet, shut the hell up, child...Hey, why is there a child in my car?! I don't even own a car!"

Ultimately, I think the thing that makes Navi most annoying is that she uses "Hey!" to get your attention which is quite frankly rude and incredibly condescending. Perhaps if she called me by name or politely caught my attention, you know like any decent person would then I'd be more inclined to actually listen.

But no, she insists on shouting at me, so screw you Navi, I'm adventuring right now and do not require your 'help'.

Tingle (Legend Of Zelda: Majora's Mask)

Please just give the map and let me leave you creepy, red-nosed weirdo...
Where do I start with Tingle? Even his name is annoying. Tingle is another source of irritation in the Zelda universe, beginning every sentence with inane magical words that have been ingrained into my mind as a form of punishment: "Tingle, Tingle, Koolah-Limpah".

What does that even mean?! It's just nonsense. Nonsense I can't even avoid because every encounter with Tingle is necessary in order to get the maps. If it wasn't for those precious maps, I would have happily destroyed Tingle, if that were even possible. Sadly, you can't swipe your sword at Tingle.

Shame, really.

I always found it odd that in all of Hyrule that he was the only map maker. If only I could squeeze the life out of that map hoarding, gibberish spouting fool. Leave thou vain bibble-babble and just give me the damn map I need!

The Dog (Duck Hunt)

Yeah, laugh it up buddy...next time maybe I'll put you down.
This nameless canine happened to be my first experience of video game mockery. Punishment in the form of bullying from a non-existent being, who in this case happened to be a dog and not a snarky voiceover like the one in Destiny (Yes, I KNOW I'm falling behind, stop reminding me!). It was bad enough that I was bullied in school, now I was being hassled by a video game!

This hunting dog would pop up after a particularly bad round to snigger at my efforts. It didn't matter if I shot a million ducks, if I missed just one that little bitch (What? Don't judge me! It was a nameless dog, it could have been female!) would mock you for it.

Oh, right...thanks, dog...I just hit like 100 in a row but now I feel stupid. I'm terrible at this game. I don't want to play anymore. I hate you. I HATE YOU! *8 year old me storms off upstairs to her bedroom to sulk, stopping momentarily slam the door - as if it could hear her*

That sniggering 8-bit mutt was enough to make my blood boil as an 8 year old, let alone now as a fully grown woman. I've played it recently and rage doesn't cover it.


Roman Bellic (Grant Theft Auto IV)

Even his shirt is annoying
Roman is the attention seeking cousin of Niko, the protagonist in GTA IV. He is intended to be a lovable, naive oaf who claims to have an understanding of the American dream but is actually a  disillusioned idiot who owes money to the wrong people. He helps Niko get set up in Liberty City, even providing him with a job.

However, he creates no end of problems for you. He acts like regularly saving him from loan sharks or risking your life for him is no big thing. That isn't even the part that truly irks me, because like an overly drunk guest at a party, you kind of got lumbered with him. Plus, he's family so you don't really have a choice....ergh.

In being a friend to Roman, perhaps being more friendly to him than you are to your own relatives, you unleash a barrage of constant phone calls, texts and emails from him.

*beep* *boop* *beep* *other generic phone noises* Hello? Roman...again?! But we went bowling yesterday! We don't need to hang out again so soon. No, I didn't read your email. I'm busy. Quit hassling me!

Natalya (GoldenEye 64)

Maybe that's not such a bad idea...
Usually a self-appointed bullet shield is a great thing. However, in the case of Natalya, what should be helpful is in fact infuriating because watching her actively put herself in harm's way repeatedly not only makes you wonder if she has a death wish but also means you lose the mission.

During the Jungle mission if you're not keeping tabs on where she is (as well as single-handly taking on all the bad guys by the way, you're welcome!) she will wander idly into your line of fire and accidentally get shot in the head, admittedly this makes you want to continue "accidentally"firing your AR33 at her.

Natalya really is the worst kind of AI, because not only does she enjoy being in the line of fire she is also painstakingly slow, which can be real test of your patience (of which I have zero).

She is so despised that there is even a Facebook community for gamers who want to shoot her in the face repeatedly. I'm not joking, click the link...see?! 64 people were riled up that much by her that they 'liked' this group. She infuriated me but even I didn't care enough to join a Facebook group about it. If that doesn't prove just how annoying she is, I don't know what will.

Ashley Graham (Resident Evil 4)


Because Ashley couldn't possibly climb a ladder...
She may be the presidents daughter but during this game, you'd be forgiven for wanting her kidnappers to be successful and failing the POTUS. From the moment you find her she sets out to be the worst person ever. In her first encounter with Leon, (the guy sent to save her!) she throws things at him.

If I were Leon, or if this game were an RPG and this wasn't a main story mission, I would have turned on my heels and left the moment she started flinging bits of wood at me. Bitch.

Like Princess Peach (who I redacted from this list because I actually really like her in the Super Smash Bros. series), Ashley seems to enjoy being stolen because soon after you find her, she is captured yet again after panicking and running off on her own, of course Leon locates her once more only for her to be abducted...again.

I don't personally know any gamer who actively enjoys escort missions, I'm sure some of do (and if you're one of them, I am deeply concerned about you!) but Ashley is perhaps one of the worst escort mission characters because Capcom decided to make a traditionally non-playable character into a playable one so at various points in the game, you control her.

Kudos to them for trying to break the damsel in distress stereotype and all but seriously...why Ashley?! She is an over privileged white girl who wants for nothing and needs to be carried up ladders, runs off at any sign of danger, can't follow orders and constantly gets kidnapped. I don't want to play as her! That and she keeps trying to hit on Leon which is not only unprofessional but probably illegal...I think (I'm pretty sure she's a teenager anyway!).

Other characters that incite rage or irritate me in various forms that I neither had word count or time to include are "The Princess Is In Yet Another Castle" Toad, Miles "My Name Is A Lie" Prower AKA Tails and Lydia from Skyrim who just loves to sarcastically remind you that she is "sworn to to carry your burdens" every damn time you speak to her.

What characters really annoy you? Are there any I might have missed? Let me know in the comments section. That's what it's there for, that or openly insulting me for being wrong...or something. I wouldn't know, I never read them anyway *snigger*

Just kidding...

No comments:

Post a Comment