Monday, 30 November 2015

Santa's Other Little Helpers

I wrote this last year for Forces Of Geek but never got round to posting it on my blog, as it's still kind of Christmas, or the festive season at least, it felt appropriate to put it up now...

As a director of various short films and a web series if I've learned anything it's to have a back up plan. as we all know father Christmas has an empire of slaves but even he must have a Plan B should all these elves quit, revolt or commit suicide en masse (Happy Holidays!). Thanks to the recent data hacks of major corporations I have access to such secret plans.

The following is the list Santa doesn't want you to know about. The list of back up contingency elves to enslave should the occasion arise. I'm pretty sure Xan from Baldur's Gate would have made the list if his attitude to work was a little more positive. Exclaiming "this group is especially hopeless today" apparently isn't as conducive to productivity in Santa's workshop as it is when battling orcs in Faerûn.

Here's the list of would-be Santa's helpers:

The Elves of Elder Scrolls

Don't just assume because I'm grouping all of the Elves in the Elder Scrolls series together that I'm being a big old Elven-racist (you guys know I love Link from the Zelda games right? Who is technically not explicitly an elf but you know...Hylians and Elves look alike, who can even tell them apart?! Wait...I mean...).

There are so many sub-races of elves in the Elder Scrolls series that Saint Nick could replace his entire work force. There are High Elves (Altmer), Dark Elves (Dunmer), Wood Elves (Bosmer), Wild Elves (Ayleid), Snow Elves (Falmer), Sea Elves (Maormer) and in Elder Scrolls lore, dwarves and orcs are also part of the 'mer' family...and if that's not enough, there's even Bretons who are humans with traces of Elven ancestry - basically EVERYONE in Tamriel is an elf, perhaps Father Christmas could relocate?

The Falmer have bad eyesight but make up for it with keen hearing thus would be perfectly suited to fine tuning the melodious sounds of all the mechanical toys that Father Christmas still seems to think kids want. While the High Elves with their love of finery would excel in the quality control department of the workshop.

The Elves of World Of Warcraft

In particular, Lor'themar Theron, the sometimes eye-patch wearing High Elf turned Blood Elf. Why do I think he'd fit in with Santa's horde of elvish slaves? Well, he wouldn't. He'd work best away from the workshop, perhaps concentrating on social media, appealing to the kids who claim to have grown up and choose to no longer believe in Santa Claus.

I mean, who else could convince these 'tweens' - or whatever it is we're calling them nowadays - but someone who has experience in altering their own world view? That, and he's a badass which the teenage demographic will eat up like candy canes on the tree.

And if it doesn't work out for him in the social media department then at least the North Pole will have one incredibly strong and adept security guard, able to attack multiple targets within a 50 yard radius...50 yards!?

The Elves of Dragon Age: Origins

Zevran, one of the elves of Dalish origin is one the possible companions you can have in this game and he is extremely easy going and cheerful which makes him a potential candidate for one of Santa's overseers. His ability to keep spirits up and create a healthy, positive workspace is exactly what the workshop needs.

He is also skilled with his hands so would be a wonderfully toymaker, this is demonstrated by the fact he is able to wield dual-weapons. Clearly, Zevran is a keen multi-tasker and able to handle a big workload. Perfect Christmas elf material!

The Elves of Shadow Of Mordor

Let's also include within this all of the other Lord Of The Rings games. Elven Warriors in  J.R.R. Tolkien stories are incredibly badass and nothing, if not, efficient. You have to be when your main weapon of choice is a long bow with limited ammo.

This efficiency is exactly what Santa's workshop needs, with 7 billion people in the world, many of whom are children in need of gifts and only 364 days to make enough toys for all of them, efficiency is key!

The Elves of Hyrule in The Legend of Zelda

Okay, so as I mentioned previously, the Hylian race has never really been established as elven however, I have always thought of Link, Princess Zelda and the Hylian people as Elven.

Link would make a wonderful addition to Santa's helpers, he is well-versed in performing tasks for others and is extremely loyal and obedient. Often accepting challenges, going on adventures and helping others without question and never complaining about the difficultly of the task in hand. Link is the epitome of a hard worker...or he's a mute with a lot of stamina.

The Eldar in MMORPG Warhammer 40,000: Eternal Crusade

I'm mentioning the Eldar race in Warhammer rather briefly as they are as close to 'space elves' as you can get, they possess all the qualities of their kin but with added...SPACE! Perfect if Santa wants to expand the toy-making business into the further reaches of our galaxy.

One other factor to consider about all elven folk is that the have an incredibly long lifespan, they have little or no fear of death because of this and they rarely get ill. So it's no sick days and minimal holidays for these workers, it's a corporate dream!

Of course for their near eternal life spans, efficiency, work ethic and obedience, I still think the jolly fat man is making a poor decision employing elves. If he wants my advice (which I'll gladly leave out in a note with the customary mince pie and carrots for his reindeer - you're welcome Kris Kringle!) he should get himself some co-op testing droids like Atlas and P-body from Portal 2 who can work long hours performing repetitive tasks and could even save Santa some time delivering presents by using their portal guns to transport all that Christmas joy!

Hopefully Father Christmas himself will take my advice, next year we may see robots running his workshop instead of elves, which would make sense given that all kids seem to want from him anymore are games consoles and tablets. It's almost too perfect! Festive joy achieved!

Oh's the Christmas Special of Unlocked, the aforementioned web series I made a vague reference to in the first paragraph of this article (yeah, I know...I'm awful at plugging my own stuff...).

Happy Holidays!

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